Besides suffering from an incurable condition which prevents him from doing laundry on a regular basis or looking both ways before crossing the street, in the aftermath of being dumped by Helen, GITCH finds himself haunted by dark tentacled nightmares and otherworldly produced visions of the past, the present, and also THE FUTURE! In the tradition of the great Criswel, he has taken to writing these prophesies down, in a new randomly occurring column we call Get in the car, Helen Portends!

Celebrities writing children’s books has been a big “Fuck you, children!” trend for years now. (I don’t care if you don’t like the story of the handsomely charismatic rooster who saves the Princess Chicken and steals the farmer’s gold in order to donate it to a Somali relief fund! It was written by George Clooney, so you have to read it!) I portend that the next big craze to rape the field of legitimate publishing will be Serial Killer Poetry! That’s right! The poetry market will be strangled by sentimental collections penned by axe murders and cannibals, such as the metal-toothed Kazahhstanni flesh-eater Nikolai Dzhunagaliev, whose long, book-length work, She Was My World and My Lunch, will be favorably compared to Allen Ginsberg’s Howl!

Beware the amateur magician who approaches bearing the questionary statement “I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10.”, for they are thinking of no such thing! Numbers are the farthest thing from this person’s mind! Separate yourself from such sorcery immediately, without making eye contact if at all possible, if you hope to make it through another night!

The next time you attempt to masturbate in a public restroom you will find yourself cock blocked, so to speak, by the appearance of a homeless person who is apparently afflicted with OCD! You will not know what this person looks like, because you’ll be sitting in the far corner stall, sexually frustrated, cursing like hell and internally screaming for them to leave! But they won’t leave! Your un-lubricated ears will be assailed with sounds of water running and perhaps a duffel bag being meticulously shuffled through and the brisk sher sher sher sounds of someone brushing their teeth; followed by the mentally ill thumping sounds of the soap dispenser being jabbed in and out at a specific rhythm 100 times, slight pause, and then the gesture repeated another 100 times (hence, the diagnosis of OCD)!

In the year 2084, I portend that much of the world’s population will be wiped out and replaced by a zombie-like horde of roaming monsters! Those left alive will be forced to take to the trees for safety, for though the beasts’ jaws are powerful, their arms throw like an eight year old girl and it’s sort of funny, really, how absolutely bad they are at climbing things! They can’t do it! So what’s left of the human race will live above the above-ground, in large wooden cities that have been built into the trees! The philosophically minded will comment upon the fact that humanity began as monkeys and have thus returned full circle into the tree tops, and isn’t that just fitting. Anti-evolutionairy religious types will get really pissed off and scream blasphemy, feeling as they do that it’s bad enough that the Philistines of this new technologically vacant society have figured out how to perform abortions using nothing more than half a coconut and a scratched Van Halen cd! “Tiss it not enough that Planned Parenthood has survived the Armageddon?! We have to also sit around up hear and listen to you blasphemy about our ancestors being monkeys and how we should feel at home again in this goddamn tree?! Well, we’re not comfortable! We miss our lawnmowers and deep fried cheese! Do monkeys ride lawnmowers and enjoy cheese?! I don’t think so! Goddamn atheists! Get ‘em!” – and with that war will break out between the tree lines! The religiously sure will prove victorious, and the poor bastards who happen to not share their same view about things will be sacrificed to The Almighty and pitched over the rail to be eaten by the flesh eating beasts who roam below!

Humanity will awake one night to learn that the moon has been replaced by a 3,476 kilometer Chicken McNugget! And if that wasn’t weird enough, the world’s oceans will shortly thereafter be transformed as well! Where once they contained water, they will soon be unexplainably filled with various dipping sauces! The Atlantic Ocean turned to BBQ! The Pacific, Honey Mustard! And so on, and so forth! All forms of marine life will deliciously perish! The greatest minds in the world will gather to ponder the significance of such occurrences! The world’s stupidest minds will also gather! Answers will evade them all! Is this the warning sign of an obesely new Apocalypse, or simply an aggressive marketing campaign gone horribly wrong?! Tune in to the future to find out!

After careful consideration, Mitt Romney will announce to the world that he’s chosen the dead corpse of the actor who played Goober Pyle to be his Vice Presidential running mate for the 2012 general election! In a press conference held at a Lansing, Michigan, Chuckie Cheese Romney will explain his decision as such: “We believe that, much as Sarah Palin energized the base in the 2008 elections with her effulgent lack of knowledge of the issues, divisive rhetoric, and hokey catch phrases;  the dead corpse of Mr. Pyle will be the perfect ambassador to carry the GOP message of fear and stubborn misinformation in a way that will be both relatable to the general public and stereotypically hilarious.” When asked about his thoughts on foreign policy and how he might go about improving the economy, the corpse of Goober will flash a recently embalmed smile and say “Well, Golllll-eeeee!” resulting in wild applause from the audience and bringing the entire crowd of Ted Nugent t-shirt wearing Tea Party enthusiasts to their feet!

Since being ubiquitously dumped by Helen, GITCH has been watching a lot of movies. While watching these movies, he writes many things down, in a mad tentacled world attempt to make sense of the heart breaking events that take place both on and outside the screen. His second book, The Aftermath, etc., is now available from Monkey Puzzle Press.