Vampires are back in the news. The HBO series True Blood and the movie Twilight are among the most recent incarnations of Bram Stoker’s 1897 creation, Dracula. But from Nosferatu through the British Hammer films of the 1960s to Anne Rice there is something missing.

The glaring infrequency of Jewish vampires can perhaps be understood by answering the following riddle:  What did the Israeli vampire say to the man who was trying to defend himself with a cross? “That won’t work. I’m Jewish.”
What if the vampire happened to be Jewish? There is no good reason to believe a Jewish person would  be somehow immune and resistant to being bitten and then turned into a vampire himself. And then what?

Because vampires consistently have a problem with anything in the shape of a cross it is reasonable to assume the vampire recognizes its power. It follows that he must be somewhere in the orbit of Christianity. It may be a perverse orbit, but it’s an orbit just the same. But a Jewish person almost certainly would not recognize this power of the cross. What to do?

If a cross doesn’t work against a Jewish vampire, what would? A Star of David would work. Lox and bagels? Of course. How about gefilte fish? Possibly, but it remains untested. However, a dentistry diploma not only will not work, but it involves a cheap stereotype and what’s more, it’s rude, drawing attention to the vampire’s own dental imperfections.

It should be noted that in the above riddle the vampire is indeed displaying a sense of good sportsmanship by giving his potential victim fair warning that his chosen defensive method simply will not work in this case, with the clear implication that he try something else.

Some may argue that it’s just this sense of ethics that has been lacking in all of this vampire business and that the joke’s level of courtesy and consideration may point the way to a new understanding. But let us not be fooled. The main thing is a citizen’s alert: information to heighten awareness about the dangers posed by all vampires regardless of their system of belief, what with their general viciousness and unconscionable disregard for traditional human life.

How does all of this help us understand the absence of Jewish vampires? Could it be that their absence in books and films is due to the fear that their immunity to the cross would give them a survival advantage over the others, especially when you consider that not everyone has garlic bulbs at the ready.

To sum up, it is hoped that the above observations will help level the playing field so that all vampires, regardless of religion or creed, can one day be destroyed with equal ease and efficiency.