1. The Plots
Casablanca: An entire World sits bloating towards war as Nazis attempt to prevent a Czech Resistance leader and his beautifully lit wife from leaving town, the same town where her ex-boyfriend who she unexplainably dumped in Paris just happens to own a bar, thus setting up the greatest love triangle of all time! Love Triangle includes heartbreak, shadows, bourbon, self sacrifice, a piano, two exit visas and Peter Lorre. Happiness sold separately.
Headed Shark Attack: A giant shark with 2 heads roams the ocean exclusively subsisting on guys who’ve dedicated their entire lives to doing sit-ups and pretty girls with incurable conditions which cause 80% of their breasts to be allergic to fabric, thus forcing them to wear bikinis all the time.
2. Casablanca stars Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. 2 Headed Shark Attack stars Carmen Electra and Hulk Hogan’s daughter. As far as casting goes, it’s a tie. Both movies are perfectly cast.
3. You have to love the low budget monster shark movie genre. You have to! It just keeps evolving towards the most ultimate levels of being ridiculous. They’ve made movies in which the sharks are bigger. They’ve made them smarter. They’ve had them do battle with a giant octopus. They’ve even genetically welded a giant shark to the lower bits of a giant octopus in order to form one big Sharktopus! And now, just when you may have thought the monster shark genre had tapped itself out, they give us an enormous shark with two heads!
4. As one of the characters points out during the film, “Two heads. That’s twice the teeth!” Which is true. What’s scarier than a mouth full of shark teeth? Two mouths full of shark teeth! A level of terror which had only previously been achieved by placing two sharks in the same movie. But for some reason it’s scarier this way, when the two mouths are attached to the same body. It’s sort of like, what’s the name of that Farley Brother’s movie where Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear play siamese twins? It’s sort of scary like that movie. If you threw a couple of butcher knifes in their hands and had them swimming around in the water hacking up sexy college kids and doing similarly crazy stuff like that.
5. In Casablanca, Rick and Ilsa have a theme song. Something they used to listen to during the days when they were happy together. Something that Rick can’t hear without breaking into a case of the deep shadowed bourbon sweats after she’s gone. As Time Goes By. Me and Helen had a song like that too. To this day, whenever I hear Cum On Feel The Noize by Quiet Riot I shit my good mood pants and run screaming into the woods.
6. I want to make the Casablanca of 2 headed shark movies. The only way to make the ending of Casablanca more tragic for the Rick character than it already is, is if Rick’s head and Ilsa’s head were attached to the same body, and after giving her the ‘Hill of Beans’ speech and taking himself out of the picture so she can spend the rest of her life with her husband, Rick’s head has to follow her head and Victor onto the plane, because it’s attached to her body, and he’s forced to watch as Victor and Ilsa spend the rest of their lives together. He can’t escape. They have dinner together in front of him. They watch television together in front of him. They have sexual intercourse in front of him. It’s terrible. It’s painful enough that he’s taken himself out of the picture so that they can be together, but in this version, after he’s done all that he also has to stand around and watch them while they’re in love and have their little adventures and grow old together. What’s worse than that? Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Also, instead of being people, everybody’s a shark.
7. Casablanca is one of my favorite movies. It’s almost impossible to not love this film. I was explaining this to a woman who was sitting at the bar while I was writing this column. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was writing about Casablanca and 2 headed sharks. She ordered herself another glass of whatever it was she was drinking and then told me that she hates Casablanca. She also said she’s always busy and didn’t have time to watch movies. “What do you mean ‘you’re too busy’?” I asked her, “You’ve been sitting alone in this bar for at least an hour. You could be watching a movie right now.” She got mad at me and explained that she enjoyed music. Specifically, the kind of music performed by Darius Rucker. I’m not fucking kidding here. She honestly believed that the songs of Darius Rucker spoke to her soul.
8. I feel the same way about freakishly mutated shark movies starring people you’ve sort of heard of but had completely forgotten about until their names show up on the opening credits. Lorenzo Lamas, Debbie Gibson, Antonio Sabato Jr., Tiffany, Jerry O’Connell’s brother, all of these people have given their finest performances while at the same time publicizing their continued existence while working in this particular genre. They should have a specific category at the Oscars for this sort of thing. Best Performance Male/Female in a Straight To DVD Giant Shark Movie.
9. That being said, if there was such a category, I’d never vote for Lorenzo Lamas. I don’t care how good he may or may not have been in it, it’s just not going to happen. One of Helen’s ex-boyfriends that she dated just before we met, he looked a lot like Lorenzo Lamas. Uncomfortably so. He kept showing up every time Helen would throw a house party. Grinning like an overly-handsome’d Eddie Haskell. Saying shit to her like “Remember how much you used to like my grandma’s spiced pumpernickel?” and pretending in front of her that he’d like to hang out with me. Grinning at me like a punch drunk Bradley Cooper every time she left the room. Christ, he was a dick.
10. Why is it that every time Carmen Electra goes out on the deck to get a tan, she acts like the weather is going down on her?
11. The ending to Casablanca, when they’re all standing around at the airport. Shit. Rick gives up the woman he loves for the greater good of whatever the fuck-greater-good it’s for. Goddamn Nazi’s . . . with their world domination and holocausts . . . the killing of millions . . . Mein Kampf . . . going around and fucking up a sentimental guy’s hill of beans. Best movie ending of all time (or maybe have to call it a tie with King Kong). That Rick, he’s a better man than I could probably ever be, Helen. Because if I was caught in that same sort of situation, and it came down to me letting you go on purpose in order to save everything else or you and me being together while the entire world goes to hell . . . even knowing what I know now . . . about you . . . about me . . . about everything . . . I know what I should do . . . I know what I’m supposed to do . . . and I don’t disagree with it . . . but I don’t think I could do it . . . I’m afraid I’d end up letting the world burn instead.
12. Because I know, from multiple years of experience now, just how hard it is to let you go. It’s one thing to make the Noble Choice in the heat of the moment. It’s a thousand different other things living out the billions of seconds that come after it . . . holding hands with the consequences . . . knowing the whole time that even the goddamn consequences have grown tired of pretending they love me at this point. I mean, viva la resistance Rick. Or good luck. You’re gonna need it . . . it’s no picnic, you know . . . all that life without her after the fadeout into the fog. . . .
13. After the airport, I imagine Rick waking up every night with nightmares like, without Helen, I wake up every night with the nightmares. It’s been weirder lately, though. Weirder than it used to be. When you’ve been alone for a while like I’ve been alone now, I’m finding that my nightmares are starting to get tangled up with my sex dreams, which can make things . . . you know . . . some of these dreams . . . they’re pretty fucked up.
14. Example: The other night I had a dream that I fucked Sarah Palin. I was on some sort of field trip in Alaska, which for some reason didn’t look like Alaska, it looked like Switzerland. There was a bus full of strangers. Taxis and Shit Jonathan was there. We were taking a tour of a tiny Swiss looking town and before leaving someone walked over and told us we’re going to meet the Palins. I was nervous. I was convinced she’d yell at me for writing mean things about her, but she didn’t. I got my picture taken with her, which was when I first realized that things were about to turn kinky. We were pressed up tight together posing for the camera and I put my arm around her, my hand finding the exposed skin of her waist, and I remembered thinking, Shit, she’s got a tiny waist, and her skin feels really good . . . what is this? NOOOO!
15. After that the Palins follow our group into an enormous house that somebody’s rented for us. Everyone starts eating things off the buffet, and then we sit down around the TV in one of the living rooms and start watching a movie. I’m on the couch under a blanket with Sarah. Todd’s sitting on the other side of her. She moves my hand to her butt, and instead of being disgusted, I become aroused. We’re watching something innocent, like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, but nevertheless she’s offended by something. Todd is telling her to relax and not make a big deal about it. But while she’s going on about how offensive Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is, under the blanket she’s rubbing my hand against her unexpectedly exposed vagina. But it seems glued shut. Something’s wrong here. I can’t find the hole.
16. I let Sarah Palin rub my hand against her hole-less Barbie Doll crotch for awhile, and then as soon as Todd heads for the buffet for a second helping of moose flank nachos, she pulls me into the hallway, where we spend the rest of the dream helping Jonathan fend off a full fledged assault from the FBI (who are after him for some unexplained in-the-dream reason) and trying to find an empty room somewhere where Todd won’t find us so we can fuck.
Since being ubiquitously dumped by Helen, GITCH has been watching a lot of movies. While watching these movies, he writes many things down, in a mad tentacled world attempt to make sense of the heart breaking events that take place both on and outside the screen. His second book, The Aftermath, etc., is now available from Monkey Puzzle Press.